Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
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Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight