i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
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[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
“I took care of your clown problem.”
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Isn’t
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Super Hand Dog Face
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*