OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
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the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
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People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Sharon I have some bad news
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter