[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
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I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
waiting for halloween be like:
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.