[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
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Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
#TopTip
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.