PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
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I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.