Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
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my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
#inspiration #foodforthought
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?