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The cake is mightier than the sword.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.