Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
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i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Florida man
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
no such thing as a dumb question
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards