Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
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If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*