lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
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I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see