If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
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If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
just got my engagement photos
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Very good! 👍😂
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.