just got my engagement photos
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me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I was bored.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
“A little help here, Danny?”
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.