When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
You Might Also Like
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..