This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
You Might Also Like
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Growing out my freckles.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them