When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
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the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Never forget.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
And bowling should be called pinball
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…