[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
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Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
mumsnet is amazing
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE