The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
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I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*