when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
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[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Do not steal food from the science building!
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Yup.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great