Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
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What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
pat pat
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.