Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
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Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Love this guy
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Very problematic
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016