Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
You Might Also Like
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.