All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
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amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
our love story in four pictures
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles