ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
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Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.