OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
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My daughter is angry that I won鈥檛 let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I鈥檓 some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Gas isn鈥檛 that expensive, at least not when you鈥檙e siphoning it from your coworker鈥檚 tank anyway
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i鈥檒l be running to in a home invasion
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.鈥nd that鈥檚 why I鈥檓 not getting laid tonight.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 馃拃馃槀馃槀
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I鈥檓 looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words