Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
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*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
nature’s most graceful animal
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers