To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
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Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.