Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
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BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
road rage
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?