*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
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Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
“what that mouth do?” complain
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.