@daemonic3

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

You Might Also Like

@50NerdsofGrey

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

@twt_malaysia

‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’

*in Hell

Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke

@WheelTod

Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator

@JohnLyonTweets

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.

@SoulYodeler

Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.

@MelwiththeHair

Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.

@icyizzi

If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.

@DosieDoe

US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.