*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

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‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.


‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’

*in Hell

Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke


Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator


Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.


Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.


Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.


If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.


US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.