*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
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At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*