A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
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I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
broke down and did it
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.