A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
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Cinco De Mayo
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I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
What personal space?
My dog
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Said the murderer.
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I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
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Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price