I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
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A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*