RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
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I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.