Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
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humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE