Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
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Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Florida man
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot