“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
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Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
LOL
Bobby pin
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.