I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
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If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands