I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
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Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
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What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
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I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.