After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
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I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.