I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
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If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*