Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
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REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
This headline is a thing of beauty
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.