Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
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I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Hmmmmm
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
This headline is a thing of beauty
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!