Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
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When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
nyc:
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?