I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
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*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
This could be us… but you playing
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.