Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
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I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
nice challenge
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
How times have changed.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
What do you hear?
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it