nice challenge
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My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Merry Christmas
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.