A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
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[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
5 ways to appear taller
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
as is their right
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”