Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
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Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.