Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
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dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”