Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
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My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.