[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
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*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
did it work
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.