[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
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NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism