@sonictyrant

[After Sex]

Him: how was it for you?

Shakira’s hips: well…

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@FatherWithTwins

I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.

@wickedimproper

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

@leechee420

You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”

@itsBABYSMITH

*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby

@weinerdog4life

One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.

@CandyEmpires

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

@vineyille

Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.

@cat_beltane

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?

ME: That’s right.

INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?

@DrPStewart

A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.

I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals

Recently I did this with a farmer.

ADVICE: DON’T