NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
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At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.